{ The Goodbye Stone, in Norberg. }
While I was at Norbergfestival I kept thinking about inspiration and creativity. In my mind I have a non stop train of thoughts... that I guess will keep on going until I've resolved my conflicting thoughts about how to best lead a creative life and make a living.
One recurring thought is about being in conflict with oneself versus working with oneself. I'm in absolute conflict, I won't let myself be and just do. It's stupid and I hate it. Artist Abdi Farah in season one of Work of Art: The Next Great Artist is someone that struck me as not working against himself. He knew what he wanted, he'd learnt how to do it well and now he did his best to achieve it. That "simple".
When I grew up I wanted to do the exact same thing as I want to do now, but I was told over and over that I couldn't do it. It was impossible. I could never do it. I shouldn't even try. It's stupid to hold on to your past and I'm doing my best to let go, or at least only hold on to the things that make me stronger. But every time I engage in something creative I feel a pang of guilt, because I shouldn't be doing it, it's pointless and I'm destined to fail. And when I don't do what I want... I feel guilty too.
So it's a win-win. Yey.
To sort out my thoughts I've started assembling magical symbols like recurring thoughts or images as guidelines: if they are recurring they mean something and I should act on it. It can also be physical objects that I'm temporarily attracted to, like the stone in the photo. Does it sound stupid? I feel like I need to get down to basics, and choose magic over common sense, because right now my common sense is only making me more confused and sad, and I really need me some magic.
A long time ago I read that a good thing to do if you're depressed is to help someone else, because a selfless act contrary to self obsessed thoughts will take your focus away from yourself and your misery. I feel a bit the same way about my sitatuation, I'm so deep into my own melodrama that I need to get my head out of it and just do do do whatever, you know?
And certainly not obsess over failiure. That won't make me stronger.
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